The Cuckold's and Cuckolder's Guide
What Is A Cuckold?
The word "cuckold" probably comes from the practice of the cuckoo bird. The female cuckoo mates with an alpha-male, who then moves on to encounters with other females. The female then returns to her mate, and the two of them raise the babies which resulted from mom's "night on the town."
Traditionally, a (human) cuckold was the object of scorn and derision; when it was discovered that a man's wife had found fulfillment in another man's bed, she was an adulteress and he was her cuckold. It was often said that he "left with his tail between another man's legs."
The dictionary defines a cuckold as "a man with an unfaithful wife."
In the context of alternative lifestyles, the cuckold occupies a position somewhere between the traditional definition and that of "swingers." The difference with the first definition is that today's cuckold is both aware of his wife's "infidelity" and is sexually excited by it; the difference with the second definition is that "swingers" are mutually involved, or at least approach the sex bed as equals, which is not the case with a cuckold.
In plain English, a cuckold is a man who stands by and accepts his wife's infidelity, being sexually excited by her actions. He may have normal sexual relations with his wife part of the time, or he may accept that his wife has chosen another man to replace him completely in her sexual bed.
Why Would Someone Choose To Be Cuckolded?
Having read (and written) extensively on this, I have found the following themes. Any combination may exist to explain a specific couple's relationship.
Being cuckolded is often a display of total submissiveness, with the added element being that at least one other person (the lover) knows of the cuckold's role. Cuckolds may take pleasure in serving their wife and, in some cases, her lover as well. If a person wishes to experience submission, bringing breakfast in bed to his wife and her lover would surely fit the bill; and if he wants to feel dominated by his wife, having her tell him to leave them alone so they could make love undisturbed would be almost unbearably exciting! In addition, the knowledge that she can do whatever she wants with regard to sex, while he is restricted to only what she approves for him, is probably the ultimate in submission: he turns over his genitals to her, while she offers no such commitment in return.
Many swingers and alternative-lifestyle adherents draw the line at humiliation, and reject it with disgust. Yet these same people will accept s&m as understandable! Humiliation is, in my opinion, simply mental s&m. Why would someone choose to be "disciplined," and find it to be sexually exciting? If you can understand that, you can understand the lure of humiliation as a sexual stimulus. And if a man seeks to be humiliated, what could be more humiliating than seeing, or hearing, or learning of his wife choosing another man to bed? If the experience includes the wife acknowledging that her lover is better endowed, or a better lover than her husband, the humiliation is complete.
Yes, jealousy is a turn-on for cuckolds. In fact, it is probably one of the greatest ones, though few cuckolds have written about it. After all, look what he has lost: his wife's faithfulness, his wife's body (temporarily, if not permananently), his equality as a sexual partner, his dignity... and all these have been given to another man! Personally, when I began to feel jealous, I began to feel truly cuckolded - and very excited!
Though I think this is secondary to the two reasons above, it is true that there are not many opportunities in life to watch two people having sex. This is why home videos are so popular! But nothing can equal the real thing, life and in front of you... and so, inviting another man into your wife's bed will undoubtedly give you a front-row seat for the festivities.
One cuckold explained his excitement as "caused by the duality of being both afraid and excited. Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac... maybe my body requires a certain amount of adrenaline, which can only be generated by fear."
What is there to fear? A cuckold can fear (while being turned on by) the thought of being humiliated in front of his wife and her lover; he can fear being told he cannot cum for a specified (and lengthy) period of time. He can fear hearing sounds of pleasure from his wife that he never heard when she was in bed with him. Or, he can just fear the unknown...
Many cuckolds acknowledge that they have no idea why this turns them on, but for most of us, it is a sexual fantasy of the most overpowering variety. As I told my wife, I would rather watch her in bed with her lover than have sex with any woman on the face of the earth! So, like most sexual fantasy, we may be able to explain elements of the attraction, but we cannot explain it completely. Many cuckolds relate that they had no idea this turned them on, until their wife discussed a good looking man, or related the story of a man making a pass at her. Suddenly, the husband gets a distinct message from "another authority," and wonders what the hell is going on. THAT is a cuckold in the making!
Why Would A Wife Choose To Cuckold Her Husband?
While there are women who simply cheat on their husbands, this is not part of our discussion, as it is not a mutual decision. If you find out that your wife is cheating on you, don't read this -- get to a marriage counselor, or a lawyer!
Many cuckolds describe years and years of asking their wife to have sex with another man. Usually, the wife opposes this, for several reasons. First, it goes against everything that was promised in the marriage vows, and she cannot believe that it will do anything but ruin her marriage. Second, it is often threatening to the wife, as she assumes it is a pretext for the husband to have sex with other women (if you both want to do that, have fun; you're back in the "swinger" category, and this site is not about you). Third, many wives -- especially once they are out of their 20's and no longer look like Barbie -- worry that no other man will find them attractive, and they do not want to set themselves up for a disappointment. Finally, they worry (with good reason) about all the mean, nasty stuff out there: bad people, bad vibes, bad diseases.
So, why do wives say yes? While some do it simply because their husbands are not satisfactory lovers, I believe that most begin (note that I said begin; the reasons change later) to satisfy their husband's burning desire to try this. Also, if they had few sexual experiences before marriage, they may be curious as to what else is out there, and if their sexual experiences have been somewhat tame, they wonder what all the talk is about!
Once the wife begins to see other men, it is another step -- and often, not an easy one -- to cuckold her husband. After all, she loves the guy! (If she does not love him, it's time to head for the marriage counselor or the lawyer again...) It is hard to believe that her husband really wants her to like her lover more, or at least to like sex with her lover more; it is even harder to believe that he really wants to hear that from his wife. Usually, this part begins very slowly, as the wife hesitatingly relates the pleasurable details of her tryst to her husband. She notices his outstanding (!) reaction to what she says, and notices that the more explicit she is, and the more she talks about her pleasure, the more hubby goes crazy. If her husband watches her in bed with her lover, she will be very hesitant to display her pleasure, until he makes it clear that he is very turned on by it!
So, why go through all this? In my wife's words, "I can have my cake and eat it, too." What could be bad for a woman who realizes that her husband will do everything he can to make sure she has great sex with her lover, and will welcome her home (often to a completely cleaned house) when she is done!
And, back to the wife's initial worry that no other man could possibly find her attractive: imagine her surprise and delight when the nice looking, intelligent guy she meets is very turned on! Seeing him hard, feeling him get excited as she undresses, as she touches him, as he touches her... brings her right back to high school, but with an adult's understanding of what sex is all about. Does absolute wonders for a woman's ego!
What Is The Difference Between A Cuckold And A Man With A "Hot Wife"?
Though you could certainly describe the cuckolder as a "hot wife," the difference, IMHO, lies in the original dictionary definition, "a man with an unfaithful wife." A woman crosses over the line into "unfaithful" not when she has sex with another man with her husband's consent, but when she prefers sex with her lover to sex with her husband -- and tells him so.
Major Cuckold Themes
"He's bigger than you"
In spite of all the ads in men's magazines, we haven't found a way to change what God gives us. Few women marry a man because of the size of his penis, but much has been written about how good it feels to many women to be "filled completely." So, wifey goes searching (or the well-behaved cuckold searches for her) for a man who can measure up. Some women find a large penis to be painful or uncomfortable, but if she finds the experience to be fulfilling, hubby must recognize that there is no way on earth that he can offer her what her lover does. In our society, in which "bigger is better," it is truly humiliating for a man to see less between his own legs than he sees on the man between his wife's legs! Not to mention the conversations with her lover, who tells him how good his wife feels "deep inside," and then laughs at the fact that hubby can never, ever know what that feels like. In other words, this man feels parts of your wife's body that you can never touch -- so go sit in the corner, and listen to her make me cum with those places you can't touch!
"He's better than you"
Why wifey would want this is obvious -- what a surprise, after 5, 10 or 20 years of marriage, to learn that sex is more fun than you knew! And for cucky, the embarrassment is even greater than if her lover is bigger: at least if he is bigger, you can claim that there is nothing you can do about it. But if he is better -- especially if he is about the same size as cucky, then the plain truth is, "You are not such a good lover." (Actually, that's the diplomatic truth; the plain truth is that you're a lousy lover!)
Sally's lover -- the man who made her decide to cuckold me permanently -- is almost exactly my size. But when I asked her to give us each a grade, he got an A+; after making sure that I really wanted to hear the truth about myself, she said I am a C+. Now, when she and I make love, she will often sigh and tell me she wishes Ty was inside her instead. I would be very hurt by this, if I wasn't busy cumming!
"Don't Touch Me"
Here is a major difference between a Hot Wife and a cuckolding wife: Often, I read of husbands fucking their wives before they head out on a "date." Cuckolds hardly ever get to touch their wives before a "date," unless it is to clean her, dress her or apply her makeup! And, of course, this makes sense: if her husband really isn't much of a lover, then why would she want to ruin the mood, or take the edge off her anticipation? In my case, about four days before a "date," Sally stops allowing me to touch her or even to see her undressed; in her words, "I'm saving it for him."
In more extreme cases, where the wife has replaced her husband with another man (or men) on a permanent basis, her body may simply be off limits to him at all times. In these cases, the occasional glimpse of a breast or pubic hair can trigger spontaneous orgasm!
"Clean Up the House While I'm Gone"
If the husband acknowledges his sexual inferiority, he may fell compelled to try to make it up to his wife in any way possible. Therefore, he may be among the most obedient husbands on the planet! Remember, hubby gets off on his own sexual failings; therefore, cleaning the house, etc., only serves to remind him that he's doing this because he's not very good in bed. This may be one of the few times you see a man vacuuming with an erection.
Again, in my case, Sally only has to preface any request with, "Hey, C+...," and I jump to comply!
"I Want to Have His Baby"
I tend to believe that the vast majority of cuckold stories in which the lover impregnates the wife are fictional, though I could be wrong. After all, the couple will have to live with that decision for the rest of their lives. But certainly, if you want to feel that you have "lost" your wife to another man, having him impregnate her would probably do that in spades! I do not judge here, so I mention that a number of cuckolds are very turned on by finding their wife's birth control sitting on the dresser when she goes out.
Watching Or Waiting?
There is a lot of discussion about which is more erotic: watching your wife in bed with another man, or waiting at home (or anywhere) while she goes off with him. Generally, the cuckold has little say in this; his wife will probably be more comfortable with one than the other, and that is what she will choose.
Seeing sex happen in front of you, and realizing - over and over again - that the woman you see in the throes of passion is your wife, is breathtaking. Even when you engage in sex, you don't get to witness it; seeing a man's penis slide in and out of a vagina is stimulating enough, but when it is your own wife's vagina, it is overwhelming. And watching (and hearing) orgasms... the same thing, in spades!
On the other hand, if the mind is the most powerful sex organ, there is much to be said for the cuckold who sits at home and masturbates, wondering what his wife and her lover are doing now (and now, and NOW, and...). If you thought teenage boys jerk off a lot, I assure you that they are amateurs compared to cucky in the sixth hour of waiting!
A Note About "Slut Wives"
There are those men who want their wives to be "sluts"; to sleep around to be indiscriminate, etc. I've seen very few cuckolds who express this wish, and I believe it has to do with our absolute respect for our wives. We don't mind being humiliated, but don't mess with our wife - that will turn us off faster than anything at all. So, again, correct me if I am wrong, but I think that very few cuckolds will ever refer to their wife as a slut (and if they do, it'll probably be a cold day in hell before they "get any" again!)
So, with all this good stuff, what's to worry? Plenty!
First of all, the couple had better have a wonderful, positive, open relationship. You are going to be playing for real here, and both of you have to be able to say what you are feeling, and to "bail out" at any point that it becomes unworkable or dangerous. In the words of one cuckold, "You and your wife must love each other very much. That love, trust, understanding and willingness to be open and honest must be there, or neither of you, nor your marriage in whatever shape it may take, will survive."
Sex is powerful; there's a reason advertisers use it! You cannot expect your wife to have sex with someone and not develop feelings for him (unless it is a terrible experience; see below). In fact, cuckolding is even more dangerous in this regard than "hot wife-ing" (is there such a phrase?), because the ultimate fantasy of the cuckold is that she will like her lover more than him! So, take it step by step. I have corresponded with many couples for whom it was a powerful fantasy, but as they took the first baby-steps toward making it real, they realized that they didn't like where it was going. I applaud them - we've got enough divorces.
"What are our limits?" is a question which should be asked and asked again. If you both love each other, and you are doing this to find a new kind of experience, then you should both be overwhelmed with concern for how the other is handling it, and whether the latest step is over the line. Women, there is a nearly-foolproof way to tell: it's called the Peter Meter! If you talk about actually meeting a man for the first time, or about going away with him on a cruise for a week, your husband's cock will tell you whether this is A Very Good Idea, or moving too fast!
Remember, especially, that once the wife has a lover, he does not "go away" like turning off a VCR. He is real, and his presence in your lives is real, too. As one cuckold said, "The humiliation is very real. It doesn't stop after you've jacked off three times. Her lover is still in the picture." So, folks, this is one you can't "take back"; you can stop, but you can't undo what you have done, or what you have said. If hubby doesn't want to live with the knowledge that his wife's lover is better, or that she longs to be with him, or that those three extra inches really do matter to her, then don't start.
Men, I can only give you the one suggestion which I've told Sally from day one: she has absolute veto power over anything, at any time. She can get up and walk out of a restaurant, or a hotel room, or a conversation; she can say she's done seeing someone; she can say something makes her uncomfortable; and in every case, I'll agree instantaneously. Once she understood that I really meant that (she was afraid she'd "disappoint me," but I explained that it's not my fantasy if she's not enjoying), it gave her the freedom to test her own limits.
Finally, let's be real: the Internet is wonderful, but all the dangers which apply to kids online apply to grownups, too. People are not always what they appear to be, and some are downright strange. Talk lots - lots - before agreeing to meet someone! Start with email, progress to ICQ or IM, and then talk on the phone. If you're worried about the other person having caller ID, buy a phone card and call from a pay phone! We strongly suggest a first-meeting dinner (remember, cuckolds always pick up the check!), with the absolute understanding that nothing other than dinner is going to happen that evening. This gives everyone a chance to meet and talk face-to-face, and gives wifey the chance to consider whether she wants to share her bed with this man. Making it a no-touch evening gives her the opportunity to say yes or no on her own, without him (or hubby) breathing down her neck.
And as they used to say on Hill Street Blues, "be careful out there." Cuckolds and cuckolders are usually regular people, with lives, jobs and children. You don't want your exploits on the front page of the local paper, do you? We strongly suggest using pseudonyms and false-everything until you get to know the other person very well. Hotmail, Yahoo, etc., offer anonymous email, and though we'd never want to be accused of suggesting anything dishonest, there isn't anything that actually requires you to tell the truth in signing up for your Hotmail or Yahoo account! We won't tell, if you won't.